weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
