Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
