If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
