Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
