I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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