So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
her nickname was handjob. I knew what i was getting into.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Randomize
