dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
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