Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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