every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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