im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
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