Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I fell out of my bed whilst trying not to move this morning. I AM ADULT
I had ice cream for breakfast two days in a row.
SUPER ADULTS
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