You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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