In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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