Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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