He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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