i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
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