Swine flu is the new snow day.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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