dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
