So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Randomize
