She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I had to cum in my sink.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
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