I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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