Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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