Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
