So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Its not like he dircectly choose a cheeseburger over sex, it was more like I said seductively "I really appreciate this and I'm going to make it up to you anyway I can" and he replied "i want a bacon cheeseburger"
i guess he just knew i was going to sleep with him either way
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
