he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
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only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
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Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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