I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
