Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
