Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
You dont lie about slip and slides
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Randomize
