Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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