The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
