my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Randomize
