Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Randomize
