Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Randomize
