You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Did I show you my penis last night?
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
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