i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
