i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
