I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
