Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
