You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
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