I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
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we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
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I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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