i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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