Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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