Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
So drunk, too bad you don't want this
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
