You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
