Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
My breath smells like gin and sadness
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
