I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
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