I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Randomize
