I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
Randomize
