Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
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