I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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