Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
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