I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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