also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
