Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
