If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
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