I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Terrible idea I love it
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
