i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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