did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
