final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
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