when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I think a kid would responsible me up
Still dying that you shit outside
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize