some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
